There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
