Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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