Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
