Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
