What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
