Umm I'm too high to move.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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