sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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