i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I am one with the molecules
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
