Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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