I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize