I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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