I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
