im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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