All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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