who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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