I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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