I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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