dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
