Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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