I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
