If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
he fucked my hip out of place.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
