I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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