I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
