You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize