dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
