new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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