I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
