Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize