Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
