I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
