The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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