All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
