a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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