If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
