i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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