i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Randomize
