i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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