I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
