I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
