the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
