someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
