omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
