He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
