I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
