I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
