Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
We are two peas in an std pod
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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