all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
