Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
