No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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