i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize