That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
