You smell like stripper and shame
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
