someone get that fucking seahorse.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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