Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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