guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
