I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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