I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
You are the jesus of drinking
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
